Saturday, October 20, 2007

There actually is a plus side to being unpopular

The upside to the fact that only two people read this blog (and only seven have read my book) is that I can be really straight up forthright for real about what's happening, whereas if I have an actual audience I'll tend to cloak and edit stuff to appease. I started doing this Mood Gym thing on the recommendation of a friend. Click here to read more about it. It's actually pretty good. But finding things out about my shithead way of thinking can also invoke anger at times. This anger tends to be internalized.
My co-author did that a lot to himself in life. But he had no way of knowing that events triggered his unhealthy way of dealing with things. He was intelligent but in a strange way very sheltered at the same time. His ways of dealing with things struck most people as bizarre.
He (his protector personality, at any rate) was looking over my shoulder while I was doing this. When I decided to call it quits he said "so what they are saying is that I killed myself because of my fucked way of thinking?"
"Pretty much," I said.
He got extremely upset and if he were a physical being my wall would have a new hole. (I've punched a few in it in my time before I found my friend Lithium.)
"Shit!" he said.
There was something in the realization that he couldn't just be labeled "nuts." That's a bit too easy. The self hating ways of thinking aren't one's fault, they're learned through having to deal with bad situations and not having anything else to compare the thoughts to.
There are times when I've wondered why he hasn't tried to find a more charismatic co-author. He jokes that "Stephen King has wax in his ears." Then he says in all due seriousness that most mediums just try to send him to the light when he isn't ready and that while there are others who can hear him and would be willing to listen (and listen raptly and worshipfully to boot) that prolonged/repeated contact with him would actually screw them up worse than they already are and he won't be responsible for that. (What a shock--I'm not the biggest mess on the planet after all!)
He's frustrated too but the idea of posthumous fame doesn't bother him as much as it does me. Because, to quote, "In my case, what other kind is there?"
And that's a big reason why I like working with him. The wry wit sets very well with me.
Lily and the Spectral Friend


Tom & Icy said...

That was a sad scene where he met Aunt Greta. Good writing. It keeps coming back to me long after I read it.

Raine said...

I'm going to respond to this later- I promise but right now I am just totally cracking up. I'm sorry I know I am a warped human being. But I just got a picture in my mind of "australian freud types" inventing the mood gym and their possible reactions to finding out that ghosts were working it ROFLMAO!!!! Dont get me wrong- I think its wonderful they are doing it too- after all self help should be for EVERYONE, this is just awesome. But I will have to do a more serious response when I am in less danger or peeing all over my self :P

Raine said...

Ok now that I am done laughing.... I believe that healthy ways of thinking are modeled. Most of learn "how we think" as children. If healthy ways of thinking about things are not modeled for us by our parents and the adults in our lives then how will we learn them? This alter undoubtedly did not have healthiness in any form modeled for him or he wouldnt even exist as an alter. He should not be so hard on himself. How could he expect himself to have known and understood what he had never seen? Tell him to be kind to himself.

Cheesemeister said...

Thank you, T&I, hearing things like that really helps me right now when at times it seems like if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all.

The only kind of people that keep communication with me are totally warped human beings--stands to reason since so am I.
I don't think he actually intended to participate in the free for all psychoanalysis, but he always reads over my shoulder, and is the only one that can get away with it. If he had a body he couldn't--I'd feel like his eyes were boring into the back of my head.
D is exceedingly hard on himself. He thought that he would be meeting with eternal punishment when he died and in a way he's right--he punishes himself all the time. He makes me look like Ms. Easy-Breezy when it comes to accepting myself, and as you know, I tend to beat myself up a lot too.

Raine said...

yes I do know- thats why I gave you that link. But well- if he can benefit too then why the heck not? Why shouldnt a ghost being getting some therapy? Seems to me he needs and deserves it too :)