Sunday, November 4, 2007

A Meme

Shit, the world really has gone to hell. I'm resorting to doing memes. I stole this from a person who is far saner and more interesting than I am. You can visit her here. And be nice to her, or else.

1. Where would you live?
Pay close attention because you will never see this again. It's just that at this point the only people that read this shitty blog are people who know who I actually am. If the rest of the world knew it would just put them to sleep. You don't want to know, believe me.
Anyway, I would probably live in Arizona because I'm sick of driving on shitty slick roads every year. I would have a few acres where I could have small livestock and maybe grow a few plants. I would have some cacti that I would hang garlands off every yuletide just because it would look tacky and obnoxious. I would have a big adobe house. And I would surround my property with signs that said "fuck off and die."
Either that or I would live in Geneva so I could go visit the mental health people at the World Health Organization and make them as crazy as I am.

2. What would your job be (or if unrealistic) what would you do all day?
A writer who would do tarot readings to supplement, but only if I had to.

3. Who would you spend your time with? Doing what?
Who else? This annoying ghost that makes me write stories with him!
Only kidding. He never "made" me write any stories with him, technically. I was simply moved by those words that he whispered in my ear that fateful night.
"Write this or I'll cook your liver and feed it to your cats. And I'll boil your eyeballs and feed them to the fish. And then I'll fricasee your intestines and feed them to your dogs. And last but not least I shall fry up your spleen and feed it to your rabbit."
Well, I thought I had him on that one.
"Rabbits don't eat spleens, you spectral fiend!" I cried.
"You must be stupider than I first thought," he said. "For you might have figured out by now by the number of fingers you're missing that this is no ordinary rabbit but a Vorpal Rabbit!"
Curses! Foiled Again!

4. What kind of holidays/vacations would you take?
I would go on a Curmudgeon's Cruise where I could sit back with those of a like mind and bitch about how stupid everything is while enjoying excellent seafood. One place we'd certainly make a stop is San Francisco where I would enjoy more excellent, cheap and fresh seafood. We'd invite a bunch of drag queens aboard to perform for us. And anytime we stopped by a port city known to be infested with stuffy people we'd all drop trou and hang a moon.

5. What luxury items would you own?
One of those little salt box cabins in Maine where I could visit Stephen King and we could try to scare the crap out of each other with horror stories told by the campfire. One of the drag queens could tape record it. I would also buy a Land Rover for each of my relatives because Land Rovers have excellent safety features. And I would own a black Corvette because it's fucking ostentatious as hell and thoroughly unneccessary yet very cool. And for once I'd actually have a decent sound system. And a computer that worked. And a house with a real skylight. And an actual bed. I'm sick of sleeping on this dilapidated couch. Don't ask.

6. What charities would you support or represent?
First, myself. Then the World Health Organization Mental Health And Substance Abuse Division, which is where half the profits from the book I wrote with the ghost who has intent to cook my major organs go to. Which is why more of you fuckers need to buy the book--to prevent more people like me from writing books! There is a shortage of straight jackets. Help WHO buy more! Or you'll be reading more from me...soon...