Couldn't Agree More

Thanks to Ambrose Bierce and Doug for these gems. I stole the post directly from Doug. I hope he doesn't mind.

EXISTENCE, n.

A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,
Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:
From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge
Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!"

2007 Update: Rusted eternity.

"To be or not to be?" asked he,
Answered the Danish ghosts' lobby:
"Living is without holiday,
To the dead being is more of a hobby."

Get To Know Your Beloved Author

I do these damn things when I can't think of anything else to do. I stole this from a friend named Austin. You can steal it from me if you want.

• Full Name (or screen name) - Lily Strange. My real name is a beeg seeecret.

• Birthdate: February 1965
• Birthplace: Colorado
• Current Residence: USA
• Eye Color: Green
• Hair Color: It's actually gray but it's been dyed burgundy. It's growing out right now.
• Righty or Lefty: righty.

—————–DESCRIBE——————
• The Clothes you wore today: They are very sexy. Oatmeal sweats, white t-shirt with the logo of the place where I work. Too hot, Baby!
• The shoes you wore today: Brown crocs
• Your fears: I am a walking collection of phobias.

—————–WHAT IS——————
• Your most overused phrase: "I hate Google."

"Whose dick do I have to suck to get readers?"

"Ah, FUCK!!!!"
• Your thoughts first waking up: “Oh shit, do I have to?” I wish I was joking but I’m not.
• Your bedtime: Usually between 8 and 10 AM

—————–YOU PREFER——————
• Pepsi or coke: Both suck the wad! They give me horrible abdominal cramps.
• McDonald’s or Burger King: I like making fun of their mascots. Other than that, they're both bad for you and the food kinda sucks but it'll do in a pinch. McDonald's tends to give me the trots. You did want to know that right?
• Single or group dates: I like going out with friends
• Adidas or Nike: Whatever's comfortable and on sale
• Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
• Cappuccino or coffee: I need crappuccino for my bunghole!

————-DO (DID) YOU——————
• Smoke: Yes.
• Cuss: Fuck yeah!
• Take a shower everyday: No. Usually every other day. I'm usually too tired to do it every day. Want to smell my armpits?
• Want to go to college: Fuck no, but I am.
• Like high school: I liked cutting class and getting high
• Want to get married: Uh, no. Been there, done that refused to pay for the T-shirt
• Type fingers on the right keys?: Yup
• Believe in yourself: Depends on how hypomanic I am
• Get motion sickness: Holy crap yes. Give me the damn air sickness bag, Motherfucker!
• Think you’re attractive: If I'm hypomanic I think I'm not hideous. If I'm depressed I think I'm one ugly old witch.
• Think you’re a health freak: I probably should be more of one but no, I'm not. And it shows!

• Get along with your parents: I try.

• Like thunderstorms: I do. I like to sleep to the sound of the rain.
• Play an instrument: Several, all badly.

————IN THE PAST MONTH DID:/:HAVE YOU————–
• Go to the mall: Fuck no!
• Eaten sushi: No way. I like my fish cooked!
• Been on stage: Yes
• Gone skating: Yes
• Made homemade cookies: I have, but these days I use those pre-made ones that you put in the oven however many you want at a time. They're good!

• Dyed your hair: Yes
• Stolen anything: Your soul

————-HAVE YOU EVER——————
Flown on a plane: yes
Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: Yes. The most embarrassing time was when I was wasted on hallucinogens and called a classmate and told him I was in love with him.
Cried during a Movie? Oh fuck yeah.

Cried during a song? Yes. I'm a big wuss.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Oh holy shit yeah. Many a time. Not in the past 7 years, though. I have made a real ass of myself on more than one occasion. And have puked in a gutter and behind a seven eleven and woken up curled around a toilet. Just to name a few of my more glorious drunken episodes.
Been in a fight: A few times in my younger days and once with my ex-husband when we really weren't getting along.

—————-THE FUTURE——————
What do you want to do as a career if money was no object: Write, duh!
What country would you most like to visit?: Iraq sounds like a blast. But seriously, I've only been to Canada and Mexico. There are a number of places in Europe I'd like to visit. I could stay at your house!

—————– NUMBER OF—————–
• Number of people I could trust with my life: My son, my father, my brother and, believe it or not, my ex-husband. There are a few friends that I think I could. I would say that I could trust the spooky guy with my life, but he's dead. So he has kind of a different perspective on the whole life and death thing. I trust him not to sell my soul while I'm not looking.
• Number of CDs that I own: About 200
• Number of piercings: Pierced ears. I thought I was really rad when I pierced the left one twice. I was eighteen, give me a break!

The places that people get pierced these days, I'd kick someone in the nether regions if they came at me with a needle anywhere near there!
• Number of tattoos: None yet. I've never had the money to justify it.
• Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? 5, I think
• Number of scars on my body: A few small ones, and one big one from my cesarean section.
• Number of things in my past that I regret: Too numerous to mention

—————-RIGHT NOW——————
• Wearing: Same thing I said earlier
• Drinking: Water with a little grape juice added for flavor
• Thinking about: I should quit fucking around and write something
• Listening to: "Sour Girl" by Stone Temple Pilots

———IN THE LAST 24 HRS——————
• Cried: No
• Worn jeans: No
• Met someone new online: No
• Done laundry: Yes.
• Drove a car: Yes
• Talked on the phone: No

—————DO YOU BELIEVE IN————–
Yourself: I already told ya, it depends on how hypomanic I am.
Your friends: Generally. It depends on how paranoid I am.
Santa Claus: Yes, and the fucker better bring me some good presents this year!
Destiny/Fate: To an extent. I believe we are given certain gifts at birth and we have karma to clear up. But we also make our own choices.
God: I believe in a creative force, multiple deities, angels and demons. I worship the creative force, multiple deities, and angels. I maintain a healthy level of respect for demons and try to avoid contact with them. There are forces that are best left unfucked with.

——–FRIENDS AND LIFE——————
• Do you ever wish you had another name?: Well, I chose this one. I've never much liked my given name.

• Who have you known the longest of your friends? I have one friend that I've known for nearly 25 years.
• Are you close to any family member?: Sometimes I think I am sometimes I don't. I'm actually reasonably close to my son but I try not to get too close because I don't want him to feel like I'm smothering him. When we were kids my brother and I were very close.
• When have you cried the most?: I've cried a lot over numerous things. Usually tragic things like a beloved pet or family member or friend dying. It's kind of personal to talk about it.
• What’s the best feeling in the world?: When something you worked really hard on gets the acclaim it fucking deserves! Like a book that you worked on for a bunch of years. AHEM!!!
• Worst Feeling?: 1) the horror of finding out someone you love has died.

2)When someone takes a shit on you and tells you that you're not good enough for them.

——–FAVORITE/LEAST FAVORITE——————
• Book – I love the classic horror masters

• Board Game – There are several of these that I love. A fun one based on H.P. Lovecraft's stories is Arkham Horror
• Least favorite smell – When one of the residents where I work has a big shitty accident.
• Favorite smell – A chocolate cake cooking--fuck! I just made myself hungry!
• Color – Blue and purple
• Least favorite color – that shitty mustard yellow

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN! DO IT! NOW!

SAD and other Screwed Up Brain Things

At this time of year, many people experience SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder. The change in light causes certain folks to become depressed and lethargic, sometimes even suicidal. There are therapeutic lamps and "Sun Boxes" that can be helpful. These can be found by doing an online search. I can't recommend any particular one as I really haven't tried them myself.

I actually experience something of a "reverse SAD," where my seasonal depression comes in the spring rather than the winter. This is more common than people think. Several studies have shown that April is actually the month that holds the dubious distinction of being the time when the greatest number of people commit suicide, and I must say, if I were going to do it, April would be the time because that's when I feel my absolute worst. My seasonal depresion starts in March and I don't come out of it till May.

In the winter there's sometimes a cruddy lethargy, but usually not an out and out depression. I just feel generally like crap most of the time, so it's hard to tell the difference. I'm feeling ok right now. But if I don't quit gaining weight I'm going to be the size of a house. Between the low thyroid levels, taking Lithium, working nights, being an olde phart over 40, stressed out as hell and then there's that pesky wanting to actually eat solid food sometimes rather than meal replacement shakes always--I guess I'm doomed to be large. If I could at least be large and in charge I'd feel better about it!

Taking vitamin D has been helpful for me because working nights I don't get much sun. I still experience depression, which is worst around that certain unlovely time of the month, but the suicidal thoughts have been greatly reduced. Not that I don't have them any more, but I seem to have mellowed them out quite a bit. Maybe vitamin D is like pot for suicidal thoughts. They're still there but they're too busy vegging out to be as much of a bother to me. Whatever works, I say!

Perhaps folks with SAD would benefit from a bit of extra vitamin D. It's very safe and very inexpensive. The recommended dosage is 2000 units per day. Give it a try. It can't hurt and it might just help.

And it may sound trite, but try to remember--it's just your brain chemistry fucking with you. You don't really want to off yourself.

Best wishes and hope for happiness,

Lily

My Report Card

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A Letter from my School Daze:

Dear Mrs. Strange,
We are concerned about Lily. She appears to actually be losing intelligence.
Sincerely
Ima Butthole
Netherworld High School Principal
Midterm Report, Fall 1982

Beavis and Butthead made me what I am today!

The Fruitcake Club and Potential Story Contest

Get thee hence to the Creative Crabbing blog where there is an exciting discussion about the true nature of fruitcake and a brainstorm (or brain fart) about the idea of a holiday horror story contest. At any rate, we're having more fun over there than we are here!

Don't forget, freaky stories about ghosts and the weirdos who love them make great gifts for the off-center types on your list. And I know just the person you should buy said stories from!

Click here for some samples. Or here to find out more. Guaranteed fruitcake-free, but not nut free by any means.

Funny

You Could Be a Vampire... If You Had To

Like most people, the thought of being a vampire has crossed your mind. But you're not sure if you'd do it, even if you could. Living forever doesn't sound half bad, if you could live forever with the people you love the most. But do vampires even love? And would the vampire version of you even be you? It's all too much to contemplate. Luckily, the chances of you ever becoming a vampire are astronomically low. What you would like best about being a vampire: Living forever What you would like least about being a vampire: Blood stained teeth

Could You Be a Vampire?

Pathetic

You Are 64% Open

You're a pretty open person - and you don't mind sharing the good, bad, and sometimes ugly. And while sometimes you do catch yourself blabbing on, you usually exhibit restraint. You're openness is quite refreshing, and it encourages other people to be open with you!

How Open Are You?

I really have nothing to say right now, so I'm resorting to doing these things.
I've decided to make a blog strictly for sharing my readings. Now I have to start promoting the readings.

A Meme

Shit, the world really has gone to hell. I'm resorting to doing memes. I stole this from a person who is far saner and more interesting than I am. You can visit her here. And be nice to her, or else.

1. Where would you live?
Pay close attention because you will never see this again. It's just that at this point the only people that read this shitty blog are people who know who I actually am. If the rest of the world knew it would just put them to sleep. You don't want to know, believe me.

Anyway, I would probably live in Arizona because I'm sick of driving on shitty slick roads every year. I would have a few acres where I could have small livestock and maybe grow a few plants. I would have some cacti that I would hang garlands off every yuletide just because it would look tacky and obnoxious. I would have a big adobe house. And I would surround my property with signs that said "fuck off and die."

Either that or I would live in Geneva so I could go visit the mental health people at the World Health Organization and make them as crazy as I am.

2. What would your job be (or if unrealistic) what would you do all day?
A writer who would do tarot readings to supplement, but only if I had to.

3. Who would you spend your time with? Doing what?
Who else? This annoying ghost that makes me write stories with him!

Only kidding. He never "made" me write any stories with him, technically. I was simply moved by those words that he whispered in my ear that fateful night.

"Write this or I'll cook your liver and feed it to your cats. And I'll boil your eyeballs and feed them to the fish. And then I'll fricasee your intestines and feed them to your dogs. And last but not least I shall fry up your spleen and feed it to your rabbit."

Well, I thought I had him on that one.

"Rabbits don't eat spleens, you spectral fiend!" I cried.

"You must be stupider than I first thought," he said. "For you might have figured out by now by the number of fingers you're missing that this is no ordinary rabbit but a Vorpal Rabbit!"

Curses! Foiled Again!

4. What kind of holidays/vacations would you take?
I would go on a Curmudgeon's Cruise where I could sit back with those of a like mind and bitch about how stupid everything is while enjoying excellent seafood. One place we'd certainly make a stop is San Francisco where I would enjoy more excellent, cheap and fresh seafood. We'd invite a bunch of drag queens aboard to perform for us. And anytime we stopped by a port city known to be infested with stuffy people we'd all drop trou and hang a moon.

5. What luxury items would you own?
One of those little salt box cabins in Maine where I could visit Stephen King and we could try to scare the crap out of each other with horror stories told by the campfire. One of the drag queens could tape record it. I would also buy a Land Rover for each of my relatives because Land Rovers have excellent safety features. And I would own a black Corvette because it's fucking ostentatious as hell and thoroughly unneccessary yet very cool. And for once I'd actually have a decent sound system. And a computer that worked. And a house with a real skylight. And an actual bed. I'm sick of sleeping on this dilapidated couch. Don't ask.

6. What charities would you support or represent?
First, myself. Then the World Health Organization Mental Health And Substance Abuse Division, which is where half the profits from the book I wrote with the ghost who has intent to cook my major organs go to. Which is why more of you fuckers need to buy the book--to prevent more people like me from writing books! There is a shortage of straight jackets. Help WHO buy more! Or you'll be reading more from me...soon...