Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Poison Ivy II: Lily

Break out the calamine lotion! This film will make you itch--to watch something that doesn't suck.

I can assure you that my pen name was NOT inspired by this stinker of a film. It was actually inspired by the fact that my co-author called me Lily when he first met me, and the Strange part is obvious. As to the film, the church should canonize it because it actually proves that miracles do happen. The fact that Alyssa Milano was ever given a legitimate acting job again after appearing in this travesty is all the proof you could ever need.
The premise of this film is based around art geek Lily finding the diary of Ivy from the first Poison Ivy film and deciding that she wants to become like her, because acting like a psychotic slut is the way to get great things in life, such as STD's. One of her instructors takes an interest in her above and beyond the call of teaching her how to paint like Bob Ross. This leads to a lot of gratuitous sex and an apparent tragedy. This seeming tragedy, however, is actually proof that there is indeed a benevolent god.
When the professor's young daughter walks in on Pops trying to get into Lily's pants while Moms is getting plastered right in the next room, she cannot bear the thought that her father is in fact a lecherous self-absorbed ass rather than simply a pompous self-absorbed ass. The unhappy child wanders out into the night and is struck by a car. In a moment of horror we see her teddy bear lying on the asphalt. But instead of being sad, we should all take a moment and rejoice for this sweet and innocent youngster being released from this ghastly excuse for a movie.
God's newest angel's nutball of a father does not see the glory in his daughter's release from Celluloid Hell, and instead chooses to blame Lily for the untimely demise of his child, because after all, it isn't as if he was behaving like a conscience-impaired skank too. But because God does not want conscience-impaired skanks dirtying up his Heaven, Lily is allowed to escape the clutches of Senor Psychopath, and tries to patch things up with her boyfriend. Not surprisingly, said boyfriend has had enough of both Lily and this movie and rides off into the sunset on his motorcycle, hopefully to better things, such as working at the local 7-11 or cleaning toilets.
(Fortunately, it would seem that being in this stinker did not entirely destroy actor Jonathan Schaech's career. Here is a list of credits for him at Wikipedia.)
To make a bad thing worse, if that's possible, add garish makekup and a hideous soundtrack. This is truly a cringeworthy film, yet, horrifyingly, not the worst I've ever seen.
I need to come up with a rating system. Stars have been done. Tomatoes have been done. But I don't think that undead zombie turkeys have been done. This film rates two and a half out of five possible undead zombie turkeys. If you ever saw Return of the Living Dead, you will recall that zombie half-animals are really disturbing. It was the soundtrack of this movie and the cheesy death scene of the child obviously beloved by a benevolent god that added the half turkey to the rating. I do hope that the film-makers would be proud!


Tom & Icy said...

There's nothing more entertaining than zombie sluts, and nothing more sad than a lonely teddy bear.