Reclusive AND Hermity

What Fantasy Archetype Are you? The Weird Guy In The Hut In The Swamp You are The Weird guy In the Hut In the Swamp. In addition to talking funny, you're like Tom Bombadil (LoTR), The Lady of the Lake (Arthurian Legend), Yoda (Star Wars), The Beavers (Narnia), Old Bailey (Neverwhere), Hagrid (Harry Potter) and Adie (Wizard's First Rule). you are weird and strange. You isolated yourself from the world among your own private powers/library/artifacts. You usually have something important to teach or give the Unlikely Hero that will enable him to defeat the Totally Wicked Villain. When he comes, remember that young people are impatient and will never see the connection between their goals and crotchety old people. Myspace Quizzes

1986 called, they want their hair back

What is the symbol of your nightmares vampire you could have an illness thAt will kill you painfully and slowly you will fell blood draing from your body Pain-Gore-Death Quizzes

All right, why did they have to send the B movie vampire wench? Seeing that hovering over me would both scare and disappoint. I want the hot dude vampire from Fright Night! If I'm going to be turned into an Undead, I might as well get something good first.

So Old It Feels New

Old time horror radio shows are back from the grave on horror.fm

I was a bit of an oddity in that there was no television in my house until I was 12 years old. I watched television at friends' houses. My parents bought records (those big black vinyl CD's, for you young whippersnappers) with the old radio programs on them, and there was a station that had the Old Time Radio Hour.

The great thing about these spoken word programs is that your own imagination often conjures the most terrifying images. For instance, while the television production of The Stand was pretty true to the story, and while Jamey Sheridan did a fantastic job as Randall Flagg, nothing conjured more looking around corners and racing to the bathroom than Stephen King's written descriptions of the Walking Dude Without A Face. Likewise, the written description of the undead Gage Creed in Pet Semetary was far more terrifying than the movie version, although the little fellow playing the part did a fine job. There was just no way that the special effects department, however good a job they did, could match my imagination.

One movie that managed to strike terror into my brain on a visual level was the original Alien. I was seeing the alien in the shadows for years! Alien was frightening both visually and psychologically. While Aliens was more ass-kicking than scary, it is still one of my all-time favorite movies. The following two Aliens movies, I'm sorry to say, are from a different universe--one that sucks. I did not care for them at all.

I've had this dream to have a revival movie house that plays the classics on the big screen. I certainly don't know how I'd fund it, but it would be great to be sitting in a dark theatre getting the hell scared out of me by the Alien again, or watching the big battle cruiser in the original Star Wars pass over the screen and feel almost like it was passing through the theatre. Some things just kick way more ass on the big screen!

Poison Ivy II: Lily

Break out the calamine lotion! This film will make you itch--to watch something that doesn't suck.

I can assure you that my pen name was NOT inspired by this stinker of a film. It was actually inspired by the fact that my co-author called me Lily when he first met me, and the Strange part is obvious. As to the film, the church should canonize it because it actually proves that miracles do happen. The fact that Alyssa Milano was ever given a legitimate acting job again after appearing in this travesty is all the proof you could ever need.
The premise of this film is based around art geek Lily finding the diary of Ivy from the first Poison Ivy film and deciding that she wants to become like her, because acting like a psychotic slut is the way to get great things in life, such as STD's. One of her instructors takes an interest in her above and beyond the call of teaching her how to paint like Bob Ross. This leads to a lot of gratuitous sex and an apparent tragedy. This seeming tragedy, however, is actually proof that there is indeed a benevolent god.
When the professor's young daughter walks in on Pops trying to get into Lily's pants while Moms is getting plastered right in the next room, she cannot bear the thought that her father is in fact a lecherous self-absorbed ass rather than simply a pompous self-absorbed ass. The unhappy child wanders out into the night and is struck by a car. In a moment of horror we see her teddy bear lying on the asphalt. But instead of being sad, we should all take a moment and rejoice for this sweet and innocent youngster being released from this ghastly excuse for a movie.
God's newest angel's nutball of a father does not see the glory in his daughter's release from Celluloid Hell, and instead chooses to blame Lily for the untimely demise of his child, because after all, it isn't as if he was behaving like a conscience-impaired skank too. But because God does not want conscience-impaired skanks dirtying up his Heaven, Lily is allowed to escape the clutches of Senor Psychopath, and tries to patch things up with her boyfriend. Not surprisingly, said boyfriend has had enough of both Lily and this movie and rides off into the sunset on his motorcycle, hopefully to better things, such as working at the local 7-11 or cleaning toilets.
(Fortunately, it would seem that being in this stinker did not entirely destroy actor Jonathan Schaech's career. Here is a list of credits for him at Wikipedia.)
To make a bad thing worse, if that's possible, add garish makekup and a hideous soundtrack. This is truly a cringeworthy film, yet, horrifyingly, not the worst I've ever seen.
I need to come up with a rating system. Stars have been done. Tomatoes have been done. But I don't think that undead zombie turkeys have been done. This film rates two and a half out of five possible undead zombie turkeys. If you ever saw Return of the Living Dead, you will recall that zombie half-animals are really disturbing. It was the soundtrack of this movie and the cheesy death scene of the child obviously beloved by a benevolent god that added the half turkey to the rating. I do hope that the film-makers would be proud!

Words from Heaven

This poem is by a woman named Maria aka Dobro whom I never knew in life. She recently passed away. She endured bipolar disorder and schizoaffective disorder. She spoke from the heart and it is apparent to me that she had a beautiful soul. Her work may not deserve to be in my garden of horrors because it is too beautiful, but I want it here.

Friday, July 27, 2007
Prince Alfred
While your'e there eating your Big Mac
Sipping your Coke and munching on cookies
We'll come alongside to relieve the pain
Of the loneliness that comes from being
Different
Disabled
Broken

Strength and nobility arise from your soul.
Laughter is a part of your everyday.
The will to live has not been damaged
Although your body has
Shine on
Alfred
Shine on

Read more by Maria here

Satan's School for Girls

While not as downright dreadful as I anticipated, this 1973 made-for-TV movie definitly rates a Double Cheesy Deluxe. When doe-eyed Nancy Drew-esque Elizabeth's sister Martha hangs herself in Elizabeth's apartment, Elizabeth is convinced that Martha's death was not actually suicide but murder and decides to investigate the school that Elizabeth was attending.

During art class, Elizabeth views a painting of her dead sister which was created by a nervous girl named Debbie. The obviously horrified expression on Martha's face lends extra cheesiness to the overall effect of the movie, as does Debbie's exaggerated jittery behavior.

Crazy Professor Delacroix the science teacher's behavior leads you to believe that he may be behind the deaths. He picks on Debbie and blathers on about mind control. But he ends up being a red herring when he meets his demise at the hands of several of the students, who then pack his body into Elizabeth's car.

In the end, it's rather obvious who Satan actually is. It's always the ones that are too good to be true.

This flick is chock-full of lightning bursts, people (mostly Elizabeth) acting appropriately stupid as they explore potentally hazardous places alone, and predictable dialog. Other than the having to sell your soul to Satan part, I think I might have enjoyed going to that school. The students and faculty both seem to always be finding excuses to tip back one or more drinks. Party on!

If cheesy horror flicks are your thing, you can watch this and other B movies anytime at B-movies.com

This site also features cheesy sci-fi, westerns and Kung Fu flicks. Have fun!

Apocalyptic Postulations

I watched the National Geographic show Apocalypse: Population Zero. I have some sort of morbid need to watch these disaster shows where comets, super-volcanos, solar radiation and all matter of devastation is wreaked upon the earth. Some days I think "shit, I hope that doesn't happen, but there ain't a whole lot I could do if it did" and other times I think "bring it the fuck on--humanity sucks and I've had enough already!"

In Aftermath: Population Zero, the human race suddenly and very neatly and cleanly disappears. Although I enjoyed watching the postulations of disaster stemming from nuclear power plants and dams breaking down, and the eventual rebirth of nature that came afterwards, I found this approach to be a bit of a cop-out. Barring there actually being space aliens that for some reason would WANT to bring humans to their home world (or maybe drop them off on their enemy's home world so we could fuck it up) it would be more realistic to depict a scenario wherein some sort of super-microbe or virus wipes out the human race. This would mean that there would be rotting corpses lying around. Aside from the potential for a cool zombie movie to rise from this idea, it would be much more realistic. Come on, humans would never be so polite as to simply wink out of existence a la Obi Wan Kenobi and Yoda, leaving no messy, smelly, bacteria factory of a corpse to lie there festering and contaminating the world! I guess the filmmakers didn't want to deal with such ugly realities as starving dogs eating the corpses. They preferred to confine themselves to depicting the breakdown of humanity's constructs and the eventual triumph of nature over her oppressors. Which is cool. After all, it's their film, they can dowhuttheylike.

Personally, I never would have passed up the chance to give a good, ghoulish scenario of rotting corpses littering the landscape. But that's just me.

The special effects were stellar and the finished product was very polished. All in all if disaster scenarios float your boat, then Aftermath is worth a watch.